I have no doubt with time some people will find this blog rather quickly. Anyone who wants to look for it could easily find it if they have read my other blog. So be it, even though I'd rather some did not read what I have to say I will not stop them. I have decided to try my best to be true and honest about how I feel, think, and see things. Of course, I will guard certain people and secrets but that is it. If you are what I deem friend, a true friend, you know how I am about loyalty. So from now on I will not just agree to make you happy or smile. I may say a comment in gentler terms but it will be how I feel. If you cannot handle my reality then it is best to delve back into your own and play in whatever fairy land you call home.
Recently I have done some soul searching in my religious base. After speaking with my great friend Gwen about their feelings toward God and how they could not be upset for what has happened I've come to some form of peace treaty with myself, God, and religion. 1. If I cannot speak to God like he is my best friend then I won't. 2. I do not have to be forced to practice religious events such as communion to speak with God or just thank him for things. 3. Shit happens, God and I both know it. Whether he has control I do not know. For me I believe he puts his inserts of judgment and guidance but overall we choose our own paths.
I have been quite the sob story in the past. Crying and being super depressing. That is still a part of me I know that and I accept it but I am doing the best I can to change that. My future roommate shall be my guide in the rules of bitchiness. I have also decided to try my best to stay away from Amanda because my opinions and hers continuously crash and I do not need her negativity on my outlook of life and her damning me by saying I have some sort of demon in me. I will question everything she says: every syllable. I know I cannot trust her because she is an excellent manipulator. Rayne, is another issue I work on everyday. I hold him no ill-will. Sure some times I want to repeatedly shake him and be like WTF are you thinking but I dont. He is ill! Not full of demons. Mental illness is not a demon. A curse maybe yes but no demon. Sure I think possessions can occur and attachments to degree but that occurs to those who are sensitive to the unseen world or those who tinker in the occult. I care deeply for Rayne but as much as I hate to admit it Aya is right I deserve better and things would never work out. I would end up in tears and him a blank and pill burden. I shouldn't have to be there for his every mistake. Especially when he never listens until later when he admits I am right. I am happy he is away from Amanda. It will be good for both of them.
Amanda if you are reading this, I pity you just as you pitied me a few months ago because I cannot find a man that you believe I so desperately need. Sure I need a good lay but I never NEED a man. Amanda you have glimpses of being amazing. I see it there, a hidden spark that I think if you put your energies into something else it would be amazing. Stop this obsession! You are the one who believes in destiny. If Rayne is meant to be your beloved then it will happen no matter what you do so why stop your own life for him?? If you truly believe in destiny thats what you should do and let God do as he will. (I already can hear the remark, What does she know about God) Rayne is ill and he needs to find a way to keep his head half way on straight. Children and your birthing hips should not be his top mission right now! He should be fixing himself and you should be supportive of what he decides is best if you truly loved him. Believe what you want, interject your suggestions, but ultimately it will be his choice what he does not you! Whether you want to believe it or not I have been praying for you and Rayne. Praying that God gives you clarity to the reality of what has occurred. That he gives you peace to move on. That he give you more purpose then creating things in your womb. I have asked God for over a month now that if this union of you and Rayne was harmful to either of you it be dissolved. For once I feel he listened to me and I take comfort in that. I do not need filled churches of Christians chanting to be heard. I ask with my heart and if its in his will it will happen in some form and if not I just must wait my turn or accept it and move on. Not everyone can win the lottery.
So from now on I will do my best to grow myself into a stronger woman. I will improve my education and get the job I want. I will do what I want with my relationships. I will speak with God in my own way without the structures of religion. I will not blindly believe what is place in front of me. I will be open and kind to all but only if it is returned. It's time for a new journey... by MY rules!
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!
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