Strip away the flesh and bone

Its been a long long time since I have even glanced at this blog of mine. It appears the time of blogging for me and other has become quieter. It appears as I have suspected someone has indeed found my blog. However, I doubt their presence is as strong as they first found it.

Life in general has been good but stressful. School, work, volunteer, eat, and sleep. I socialize every now and then and life has been good with Stacy and Bret. I even finally got my first kiss. Even though it was pretty much stolen from me and I wanted to white the dudes tongue off and slap him because he kinda to frisky for me, especially for only knowing him for an hour or so. So it has placated a lot of my yearning for some sort of affection for now even though my desire for this cursed virginity to be gone still lingers. Honestly, I wouldn't mind giving it up but I just have one condition. I actually know/like the guy and trust him. Even if there is no love from his side there are many a night I wouldn't care if it was taken. Talking about virginity reminds me of Amanda. Its so ironic our situations. She gave it up even after defending it for so many years and making it her one virtue. All the while I am almost willing to give it to the next eager beaver but get so few offers from anyone I see as an option. Sure, I think Ford the first kiss man would have willingly took care of things for me but I have a fear/hesitation with this and I could never do that on the first night of meeting someone. I need someone who will pretty much reel me and just go for it and not give me time to think because if I do then I'll stop myself outta fear of not being good enough. Now I am just off to rambling. Sigh I just want this dillema to be gone so I can move on and stop feel like I am a teenager at all this

Well I guess that is all I have to say for now, so enjoy the lyrics currently running through my head.

Strip away the flesh and bone
Look beyond the lies you've known
Everybody wants to talk about a freak
No one wants to dig that deep
Let me take you underneath

Baby, better watch your step
Never mind what's on the left
You're gonna see things you might not wanna see
It's still not that easy for me underneath

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath, the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't wanna hide any part of me from you
I'm standing here with no apologies
Such a beautiful release
You inside of me

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath, the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?
Underneath, underneath, underneath...
Underneath, Underneath

Welcome to my world of truth

A red river of screams
Underneath
Tears in my eyes
Underneath
Stars in my black and blue sky
And underneath
Under my skin
Underneath, the depths of my sin
Look at me
Now do you see?
Underneath, underneath, underneath
Look at me
Do you see?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Look at me
Do you see?

Welcome to my world of truth
I don't wanna hide any part of me from you

Deciding Fate

Some people believe that fate it is predetermined others think we make our own paths. I guess I never really fully embraced the theory that everything is set in stone. If that was the case life would be incredibly boring. Wouldn't just have to sit there and wait for whatever we needed to happen to happen. Lets say that everything is predetermined. So if I am meant to marry then I can just sit in my house and not try and find someone and prince charming will magically appear. If I am not meant to marry I can sit in the house and do the same thing? But what if its my choice to stay in my house that determines the fate of whether or not I marry? Ugh... my brain hurts. I personally think that there is multiple routes to every situation and decision we make. Overall we choose and then that set of event occurs after that and they may be interlinked with other events. Example: I am hungry I have several options. I can go out to eat, I can eat at home, I can not eat at all. I could even break those down further. What option I choose decides what happens whether that is a car accident or meeting prince charming. Some people I guess would say that the option I choose is already predetermined by God or other higher being. But then what is the point of free will and heaven or hell? If God or higher powers know what we are going to choose and where we will end up and who we will be with. Why does it honestly matter because it is our fate either to be damned or saved and that supreme being already knows? Yet again I am making this about religion but this is one of those questions that has baffled me for years. Perhaps it is fate that I never know the answer and just keep pondering it...

Imagination

I have such an amusing imagination. Since Rayne has been set free from the mental hospital I've had some pretty crazy dreams that usually don't occur unless he is sleeping beside me or in the same room. I think the crazy is rubbing off on me. Anyways...... My first dream is a little bit harder to recall because it occurred two days ago. My memory always fades with time with my dreams but I remember the basic points. For some reason this dream took place on a bus at first. We are traveling down the road, by we I mean Rayne, Aya, and myself. Rayne tells us he has to take us somewhere important. We pull up to a huge building. If I remember right it reminded me of some sort of castle but I am not certain but I remember the flowers. So many flowers. We head into this building and I loose Aya and Rayne what seems like almost immediately. I stop and lean against a locker of some sort but I feel it moving and slowly it begins to fall on me. I stop it tho and let it slam down and hear it echo off the marble stone around me. I keep moving and finally find a room with Rayne and Aya consulting some sort of bald man. He reminded me of Dr. Evil off of Austin Powers. Rayne and Aya turn and tell me to follow and as I turn I say good bye to the bald man. He screams at me. I do not remember what but he was screaming at me and all I could do was stare at him as he backs away into a mist. I follow Rayne. Aya seems to have disappeared. I stand in front of two huge silver doors. Rayne turns and says to me it's time you meet someone. Poof my mom throws my guinea pig on me and my dream is ruined. Not sure what to think of it but we shall see. The other dream I remember even less bits and pieces. It appears that there was a mass network of tunnels that Rayne used to come meet me in secret. I remember our first meeting when he surprised me as he magically appeared in my basement. He gave me such a warm embrace. After that my dream was filled with hiding him from my family and my mom threatening to castrate him if she found him.

I think a dream journal would be a good thing for me to do just to keep track of this strangeness. I guess having vivid dreams sometimes is the best entertainment.

New Beginnings

I have no doubt with time some people will find this blog rather quickly. Anyone who wants to look for it could easily find it if they have read my other blog. So be it, even though I'd rather some did not read what I have to say I will not stop them. I have decided to try my best to be true and honest about how I feel, think, and see things. Of course, I will guard certain people and secrets but that is it. If you are what I deem friend, a true friend, you know how I am about loyalty. So from now on I will not just agree to make you happy or smile. I may say a comment in gentler terms but it will be how I feel. If you cannot handle my reality then it is best to delve back into your own and play in whatever fairy land you call home.

 Recently I have done some soul searching in my religious base. After speaking with my great friend Gwen about their feelings toward God and how they could not be upset for what has happened I've come to some form of peace treaty with myself, God, and religion. 1. If I cannot speak to God like he is my best friend then I won't. 2. I do not have to be forced to practice religious events such as communion to speak with God or just thank him for things. 3. Shit happens, God and I both know it. Whether he has control I do not know. For me I believe he puts his inserts of judgment and guidance but overall we choose our own paths.

I have been quite the sob story in the past. Crying and being super depressing. That is still a part of me I know that and I accept it but I am doing the best I can to change that. My future roommate shall be my guide in the rules of bitchiness. I have also decided to try my best to stay away from Amanda because my opinions and hers continuously crash and I do not need her negativity on my outlook of life and her damning me by saying I have some sort of demon in me. I will question everything she says: every syllable. I know I cannot trust her because she is an excellent manipulator. Rayne, is another issue I work on everyday. I hold him no ill-will. Sure some times I want to repeatedly shake him and be like WTF are you thinking but I dont. He is ill! Not full of demons. Mental illness is not a demon. A curse maybe yes but no demon. Sure I think possessions can occur and attachments to degree but that occurs to those who are sensitive to the unseen world or those who tinker in the occult. I care deeply for Rayne but as much as I hate to admit it Aya is right I deserve better and things would never work out. I would end up in tears and him a blank and pill burden. I shouldn't have to be there for his every mistake. Especially when he never listens until later when he admits I am right. I am happy he is away from Amanda. It will be good for both of them.

Amanda if you are reading this, I pity you just as you pitied me a few months ago because I cannot find a man that you believe I so desperately need. Sure I need a good lay but I never NEED a man. Amanda you have glimpses of being amazing. I see it there, a hidden spark that I think if you put your energies into something else it would be amazing. Stop this obsession! You are the one who believes in destiny. If Rayne is meant to be your beloved then it will happen no matter what you do so why stop your own life for him?? If you truly believe in destiny thats what you should do and let God do as he will. (I already can hear the remark, What does she know about God) Rayne is ill and he needs to find a way to keep his head half way on straight. Children and your birthing hips should not be his top mission right now! He should be fixing himself and you should be supportive of what he decides is best if you truly loved him. Believe what you want, interject your suggestions, but ultimately it will be his choice what he does not you! Whether you want to believe it or not I have been praying for you and Rayne. Praying that God gives you clarity to the reality of what has occurred. That he gives you peace to move on. That he give you more purpose then creating things in your womb. I have asked God for over a month now that if this union of you and Rayne was harmful to either of you it be dissolved. For once I feel he listened to me and I take comfort in that. I do not need filled churches of Christians chanting to be heard. I ask with my heart and if its in his will it will happen in some form and if not I just must wait my turn or accept it and move on. Not everyone can win the lottery.

So from now on I will do my best to grow myself into a stronger woman. I will improve my education and get the job I want. I will do what I want with my relationships. I will speak with God in my own way without the structures of religion. I will not blindly believe what is place in front of me. I will be open and kind to all but only if it is returned. It's time for a new journey... by MY rules!